


calming nerves is like herding cats

by aliencupcake



Category: You Belong With Me - University of Rochester Yellowjackets (Music Video)
Genre: Alcohol, Cats, First Dates, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 09:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8885638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliencupcake/pseuds/aliencupcake
Summary: After the events of canon, Russell and Jonah go to a cat cafe for their first date.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gonergone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonergone/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide! I hope you enjoy this story. :D
> 
> Many thanks to my beta, L.

On second thought, taking a date to a cat cafe was an awful idea, as proximity to cats did nothing good to Russell’s ability to be articulate or witty. He and Jonah sat together in the lower level of the cafe, sharing a beanbag chair as they sipped their beers and watched the cats. At least he could blame all the cats for his lack of conversational agility. That, or the alcohol. He was on his second beer already.

“The cats are judging me.” Russell looked at the fluffy gray cat who was definitely giving him the side-eye from the next beanbag chair over.

“Of course they’re judging you. They’re cats,” Jonah said.

"It feels wrong to use a fake ID in a place that takes in foster cats." That didn’t stop Russell from taking another sip of the beer he had illegally obtained. It was easier to do that than to worry Jonah would suddenly decide to take back his half of the mutual love confession. It was also easier to look at the platforms sticking out from the wall and watch a black cat jump from level to level, or to watch a cat leap onto a scratching post that looked like a collection of Tetris blocks.

Jonah pointed to a calico cat sitting next to the fluffy gray one. “Captain Sparkles there tried to steal your dumpling at least three times. You’re hardly the most dishonest one here.”

“At least she didn’t try to replace my dumpling with a fake dumpling. _That_ would’ve been truly dishonest. She didn’t misrepresent her dumpling-stealing intentions.” 

“The second cats learn to make convincing fake dumplings, humanity is doomed.”

“How do you know all of cat kind doesn’t have massive bunkers full of fake dumplings and emergency catnip?” 

“I don’t know. Can you tell me where the fake dumpling bunker is?” Jonah leaned towards Captain Sparkles to ask his question, not that Captain Sparkles seemed to so much as notice the inquiry.

Russell said, “Captain Sparkles is not going to tell you where the fake dumpling bunker is.”

“Maybe if I bribe her. Or kidnap her crew? If she’s _Captain_ Sparkles, she has a crew, right? Isn’t that how it works?”

“Good luck trying to kidnap multiple cats. They’re not exactly known for their cooperation. I don’t think we’re going to find find the secret bunker that way.”

“Not even if I bat my eyelashes and ask really nicely?” Jonah proceeded to demonstrate his eyelash-batting technique.

Captain Sparkles noticed but only gave a disdainful flick of her tail. She didn’t say anything about the fake dumpling bunker; her single mew told them nothing except that she was clearly captain of that beanbag chair. The fluffy gray wannabe dumpling stealer, whose name was Moonstone if Russell remembered correctly, was second in command at most. Moonstone mewed at Jonah’s antics, and her mew held not half the dismissive disdain of Captain Sparkles. When Jonah batted his eyelashes again, though, neither cat made any noise at all. The same could not be said for Russell, who had to suppress the urge to make an ungainly squeaking noise. Battling eyelashes like that shouldn’t have been allowed, even if you were trying to interrogate a reticent pair of cats.

It all made Russell need another sip of his rapidly dwindling beer. He wondered at Jonah’s ability to have so much of his beer left. If amount of beer consumed were directly proportional to the drinker’s nerves, there was a severe imbalance in stomach butterfly populations. That was environmentally unsound.

“Cats are immune to cute face tricks. It’s a fact,” Russell said just to break his train of thought.

“Are you sure?” Jonah tried making what looked like an attempt at puppy dog eyes. Neither Moonstone nor Captain Sparkles cared.

“Stop making faces at the cats.”

“You don’t like my faces?”

“I like your face, just not when you look like you’re trying to get a cat to join a catnip-based pyramid scheme. The cats are _running_ the pyramid schemes to fund their fake dumpling bunkers.”

“What if my hypothetical pyramid scheme is better?”

“You’re not capable of the true level of evil that’d require.”

“How do you know I’m not hiding darkest evil within my heart?” Jonah huffed in mock offense before bursting into the least evil giggles imaginable.

Russell finished the last of his beer, partly to keep himself from giggling, evilly or otherwise. It didn’t work. “Because actual evil people don’t refer to it that way. Those aren’t evil giggles. I know evil laughter. It goes like this.”

The situation called for a demonstration. Russell drew in a deep breath and attempted a properly resonant muwahaha. He got out two decent syllables before choking on nothing, doubling over and deteriorating into giggles of his own. They didn’t sound evil, though they did sound rather deranged.

Jonah answered with more of his own laughter. “That’s true evil?”

“Yes.” Russell couldn’t stop laughing in that frustratingly non-evil manner.

“Interesting interpretation of evil there.”

“Hey, evil comes in many forms. It’s not always what it seems. It can be innocent and adorable and disastrously non-threatening. Like cats. Though they’re not fooling me. I’m onto you, you little furball.” He waggled his finger at a passing kitten.

Russell’s finger-waggling unbalanced him and he crashed into Jonah, admittedly not a difficult feat when they sat close enough for their legs to touch. He landed sprawled across Jonah’s lap, glasses slipping off his face. As he reached for them, an orange tabby cat batted them out of his reach.

“Those are mine,” Russell said.

The orange tabby did not care, continuing to bat at the glasses despite the many actual cat toys scattered around the room.

“Seriously?” Russell tried to glare at the orange tabby with too much interest in his glasses, but failed because he was still lying across Jonah’s lap. It was hardly an intimidating position, and blurry vision didn’t help with glaring.

It then occurred to Russell that he should get up; monopolizing someone’s lap without permission was rude, even if mutual romantic feelings had been established. He didn’t trust the interest between him and Jonah not to pop right in front of his face like a vengeful bubble of soap.

Jonah said, “Comfortable down there?” There might have been a hint of laughter in his voice.

“Sorry, I got stuck.” Russell didn’t start trying to extricate himself from his position. “Apparently, I’m still stuck.”

“As long as you’re comfortable, I don’t mind. But you might want to get your glasses.”

“I can’t reach them.”

The orange tabby had pushed Russell’s out of immediate grabbing range and continued to play with them. At least Russell had gotten scratch-proof lenses for those frames, though he wished he could remember the orange tabby’s name so he could issue a full name ultimatum, not that it would help him get his glasses back. It would have made him feel less awkward and too hot all over. 

Russell pushed himself off of Jonah, his movements as ungainly as those that had gotten him there in the first place. The world swayed as he righted himself. Once that stopped, he retrieved his glasses from the orange tabby cat, who hissed and swiped his paw when Russell took them back. Luckily, Russell didn’t receive any scratches.

He flopped onto the beanbag chair next to Jonah, the idea that he should say _something_ prickling at the back of his mind. He had no idea what, so he settled for unintentionally leaning on Jonah, though that had more to do with his strangely poor sense of balance.

“I feel like an octopus on land but with half the IQ.” That wasn’t what Russell had meant, even if it was true.

“You’re a cute octopus.”

“Do you really think I’m cute?”

“Is that a question?”

“It’s not a statement.”

“I don’t go on dates with people who _aren’t_ cute.”

“So this is a real date and not an advanced hallucination that’s going to blow up in my face once we return to reality?”

“It would be an extremely detailed hallucination, and is that really more likely?”

“Not really.” A part of Russell still believed the hallucination explanation, contrary to all reason and logic. He hoped that part of him would go away soon.

“Reality has a lot of issues, but I like to think I’m not one of them. I’m not a cat with a bunker full of fake dumplings, am I? You can trust me,” Jonah said.

“I know that, I do. I’m just being stupid.”

“You’re not being stupid. We all have those moments, but I’m not gonna go away or disappear, okay?”

When Russell dared to look at Jonah’s face, Jonah was smiling in a way that couldn’t possibly be a lie. Russell told his lingering doubts to shut up, responding to that smile by kissing Jonah on the lips. As their lips met, the doubting part of Russell's mind dissolved into nothing.

Jonah kissed back with enthusiasm, and it was the very image of victorious romance until that orange tabby cat jumped onto Russell’s shoulder, almost certainly wanting to steal his glasses again.


End file.
